Second Time Around!

If you have ever been in a long term relationship, whether it led to marriage or not, you know that when it ends, whether sour or mutual, there are most likely some hurt feelings involved.

I vividly remember the day I left the courtroom, after signing my final divorce papers and crying in my car as my ex and I drove off our separate ways. Tears of mixed emotions, shame of having hurt him, worry for my little girl and to be honest, relief that it was over.  I never asked him how he felt that day. But as I write this I remember the look on his face as we waited on the Judge in the hallway silently together and at a loss for words. And I remember how emotionally drained he sounded when he spoke before the Judge. As I sat in my car that day, preparing to pull off and start life without him, I thought “It’s going to be weird having a different last name from my child.” In all her then four years of life, I never imagined her father and I would not be together. Now I was faced with so many different obstacles and challenges.

I went from high school where I had lived at home with my parents and sisters, to college where I had had roommates, straight to marriage. Now I was about to be alone, really on my own, for the first time. I had my child but she was a dependent, not the type companion I was used to.  Over the next year or so, I coped with a lot, mostly feelings of shame, since I was the one who had “cheated” in the relationship. It took me quite some time to forgive myself. I would soon find out that many around me would need even more time forgiving me. (And I’m not talking about my EX!)

When my current husband and I started dating, my entire past was rehashed, embellished and thrown back in HIS face on MY behalf! I couldn’t believe how fellow church members, who thought they knew my story, were adding to the “he say, she say” drama, trying to discourage him from giving me a chance. Now I’m a writer, but let me tell you, some of the things people dreamed up and accused me of were far better than a lot of the situations I have had in several of my plays! (LOL) Here we were trying to get to know one another, and everyone around us was so busy concerned with what we were doing, I’m certain they neglected some events in their own lives.

But we worked through it because we saw things in each other that told us we belonged together. Now I’m a firm believer that you NEVER share your entire past with anyone, especially your partner. It’s just unnecessary baggage. The important stuff, vital to a relationship, you share those things but every little gory detail I don’t think that’s needed. (Maybe that’s just me) Nevertheless, I was honest with him and he was with me when we had questions about each other’s pasts. Once the questions were answered that was that, we promised there would be no constant digging and prodding.  The more you dig the more things you don’t want or need to find, you’ll find.

Our feelings for each other grew and we knew we wanted to be together, forever. We had so much in common. We have very similar career goals. I know the old saying “opposites attract” but it feels real good to have ninety percent of your likes in common with your spouse, (for me anyway, I was married to my opposite the first time.) Don’t get me wrong it was not all doom and gloom in my first marriage, but we were more like roommates than soul mates. For me, hubby #1 and hubby #2 are polar opposites. My first husband is a good man and great father, just as I have said many times over, I just discovered he was not the man for me. Thankfully we have a great friendship and open line of communication when it comes to our daughter, and for that I’m very grateful.

I said all that to say this, once my new hubby and I moved passed everyone else’s opinions and leaned on God, we found He would supply all we needed in our union to be successful. I feel that now I am experiencing what marriage is really supposed to be. I spoke to a friend of mine who is also in her second marriage and feels she got it right this time. After a life of painful in-law blues and a spouse who was a pretender, my friend is now enjoying her “second time around” as well.

If God is a forgiving God why can’t we be as quick to forgive one another? Why not be happy for someone who is finding happiness in their second marriage instead of scorning or branding them as a failure, because their first marriage didn’t work out to your liking? You never know where a person has been until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I think it would behoove us all to be more compassionate with one another, especially, when we are going through marital issues. Be grateful that it’s not you and your spouse considering divorce and certainly do not condemn the couple. Who knows, getting divorced and remarried may be the best thing that ever happened to them. 

Think about it!