The first day you met, your first date, the day he proposed, your wedding day and the birth of your first child are all special days. On these days one could never think it would, could or should end, I know I didn’t. However, sometimes or should I say often times, things change. Being a long time Christian, baptized in the faith when I was only thirteen years old, I have diligently worked in the ministry it seems since the day I received salvation. My former husband and I met as young teens and dated until the day we were wed. We were divorced nine years and one child later.
There are so many factors that go into a divorce; it got me to thinking and looking around. When I was growing up, divorce was just something you saw in a television drama. It wasn’t a part of my reality and I certainly never saw it up close and personal in the church, until it happened to me. I began to notice that divorce in the church is becoming it seems, the norm.
I won’t go into the details of my divorce; however I will say that being an active leader and member of my church coupled with having a child, were very important deciding factors in hesitating to get a divorce. And that makes me wonder, do people feel that Christians are immune from divorce, or troubles in their marriages? Not that I’m trying to plug here; but some of these thoughts and my desire to raise awareness that Christian marriages go through things too, prompted my writing the play “What Little Boys Are Made Of” , that became my film “Between Love And A Hard Place”
Some would say, “You are saved, you shouldn’t get a divorce unless someone cheated and you caught them.” Or “as long as there is no physical abuse, you can work anything out.” What would you say to the women who sits in the front row while her husband preaches to the congregation and as they cry out rejoicing she’s crying inside because she knows when she gets home she has no food to feed her children and they are about to be put out of their home? Not because they are being tested by the Lord but because that very same “fireball” preacher, though he is working, has not been paying bills or managing the household properly. What do you say to the minister whose wife never cleans, refuses to submit, won’t work or help out and is a constant nag, and it’s been this way for years, should he wait to see if she’ll commit adultery? What about the lady evangelist whose husband was a well respected minister and is now a backslider, and she’s the only one who knows what he is really doing outside the church? How about the couples who married very young, and are rapidly growing apart, who have nothing in common, except their bills, and their children, who are living like roommates and don’t have an ounce of love left in their relationship.
Do people automatically assume that because you are in the church you should be able to work it out? So I asked some divorced Christians that I know, leaders, ministers, deacons and others who like me made the decision to get a divorce and the rest of the article is based on the anonymous responses I got.
So I asked the questions:
“What do you think is the biggest cause of Christians getting a divorce?”
Some of the reasons are lack of trust, and infidelity. I really think the main reason would be that they don’t really know each other. Sometimes as Christians we get with other Christians (or rather people we think are Christians) because of their faith. We find out that they are not what they profess to be. Sometimes we may think we have something in common with a person and after living with them 24/7 we find out that we don’t. Friendship is a must, if you are not friends with your spouse, I feel, it won’t last. You have to be able to do things with your spouse that you both enjoy. Common interest gives couples things to talk about.
Anonymous Female
Main reason for a lot of people is they simply do not know the person. I think, it’s impossible to know a person until you’ve dwelled (lived) with them, though I’m not trying to tell anyone to “shack”, just take your time and get to know the person as best you can. Sometimes the love that they supposedly have for one another dissipates, unless you work at keeping it alive. I feel, people don’t want to put forth the effort to work on their marriage anymore. Love has to be cultivated, and if not, divorce is what you get.
Anonymous Female
There is no main cause, there are several causes, I believe, that add up and then cause divorce to be the final decision, such as lack of interest, not being able to agree on pertinent issues, the “I can do bad all by myself mentality” for women and the “tuck tail and run” mentality for men.
Anonymous Female
I think people get divorced because they decided not to work together on different issues. Eventually, people fall out of love because they feel like their needs aren't being met and then other areas begin to fester. Ex: lack of attention, infidelity, no affection, etc. Anonymous Male
I believe a lot of them just decide their life will be better off without the other person. My marriage ended due to problems coming from other family members. I was totally against the divorce because I believe divorces are wrong. We even made an attempt to rebuild our marriage, but family members kept interfering with our marriage. Anonymous Male
“What is the hardest part of being a divorced Christian?”The hardest part of being a divorced Christian is remaining celibate. After being married and having a physically intimate relationship with someone for a particular amount of time, it is hard not to think about that. My body tells me one thing but in my mind I know that it is against the will of God to have sex outside of marriage. Anonymous Female
Raising children alone; even when fathers are active in their children’s lives, the daily living and routines can be difficult occasionally. Anonymous Female
Fellow Christians so opinionated about others decision to divorce “a man or woman of God. They feel as if the couple or at least one of them is so out of the Will of God for leaving. Often times what they didn’t know is the “man or woman of God” is nothing at all like they are in front of everyone at the church. Christians can be so quick to pass judgment on what they see and hear, which in most cases, is NOT reality. Anonymous Female
Handling business without emotions getting involved, mostly from the women stand point, but men can be this way too. Who does what, what time, which gets the kids and when and where. Anonymous Male
As bad as a marriage may be, you get use to always having someone to come home to. When you get a divorce it is different coming home and your former spouse is not there. Anonymous Male
From these answers I got to thinking about my situation and I could see myself in most of these cases. When my first husband and I decided to divorce the first thing I heard was people saying “What’s wrong with her, divorcing that good looking man of God!” What we must always remember is there are two sides to every story. There are some things that happened that, I am certainly not proud of but no one knows the entire story except me, him, and God. No one has to live with the decision we made except me and him. I think fellow Christians should opt to pray with and for each other instead of talking about or at each other. Contrary to popular belief, men are not the only ones who cheat, and women are not the only ones who sometimes refuse to submit.
Since God instituted marriage it’s a no "brainer" that the enemy hates it. And if the devil hates marriage in general surely he’s working overtime to destroy Christian marriages. The divorce rate in the church may be no higher than that in the “world” but I believe the stakes are higher when those who are the called, and chosen of God give up and divorce. The consensus around the board when I interviewed was, seek Godly counsel no matter what the situation, make sure you are making your decision based on what God wants for you and your family and not what your flesh has decided it wants to do.
Think about it.
Published in “Wow Magazine” 2010
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